Four Hobbies Every Non-Binary Person Should Have
Gender is a fuck. But what can you do about it?
Hobbies form an important part of everyone’s day-to-day lives, and how you choose to relax and unwind is an integral aspect of your private life. You may be thinking “it’s my private time, I’ll do what I like” but as with everything else, let’s bring gender into the situation.
You have your traditional “masculine” or male hobbies, like grilling, reading manly books, destroying the environment, smoking cigars and Brazilian jiu-jitsu. And you have your “feminine” or female hobbies, like sewing, horse riding, lapdancing (to release your dark feminine energy) and Brazilian jiu-jitsu. But what do people who fall outside those two categories do for fun? Are non-binaries banished to the void, forever committed to wandering alone like an amoeba in an ice field?
…well yes, probably, it’s not that bad, but I’ve laid out the top four hobbies for non-binary people to try to live their best lives.
Beekeeping
Non-binary people are sometimes referred to as “Enbies” — a term I’m not super fond of but it has gifted us with a lil bee community mascot, so how bad?
Beekeeping is a noble pastime, with records going back thousands of years, to Ancient Egypt, the Celts and beyond. With the inexorable march of the climate crisis, and the falling bee populations worldwide, what better way to do your bit for the environment than to propagate nature’s friendly pollinators?
If you’re not sure how to get started, the Irish Beekeeper’s Association have a pretty comprehensive article on getting started. It may be an expensive hobby to start, so maybe seek out some likeminded friends (and enemies) in your local area who want to start a lil’ bee commune.
Deer fighting
From helping to save nature, we go to being actively hostile to it, we arrive at deer fighting.
Look, let’s face facts. We all want to live a peaceful, kind, safe life — but that’s probably not in the cards for all of us, especially as non-binary people. And what better way to train in self defense than by going into the forest and punching a smug fucking deer in his smug fucking face.
We’ve all seen Bambi, and yes it was very very sad. But Bambi’s grown up, and he’s a bit of a dick.
In parts of the world, including Australia, deer invasive or pest species. Now, I’m not proposing a hunt, or even a cull, but a nice quick right hook and a German Suplex wouldn’t go amiss…
Be careful though — deer can be dangerous, attacking people if provoked and sometimes carrying ticks with Lyme disease — so this is less of a sparring session and more of a tune-up scrap before moving onto something tougher. Like a cow.
(jk pls don’t hurt animals)
Springs
Springs
Regicide
Dictionary.com defines regicide as:
1. the killing of a king.
2. a person who kills a king or is responsible for his death, especially one of the judges who condemned Charles I of England to death.
And to be very clear: the above-described hobby is a crime, and I would never encourage people to commit crimes.
I would like to expand that definition to include any action or campaign to remove monarchs from a position of power. Because if you stick to the rigid dictionary definition, then this couldn’t be a very popular hobby, as the last reported regicide was in 1975 or 2001, depending on who you ask.
Like, sure, if you literally kill a king that’s regicide — but if this hypothetical king ceases to be royalty, then surely that counts as “killing the (title of) king?”
According to this Wikipedia article, as of 2019 there are 44 countries left in the world which have a monarch or royal as their head of state, with a fairly even distribution (unless you’re in South America or the part of Eurasia between Sweden and Japan), so there’s lots of opportunities out there to (democratically) remove your kings, queens, dukes and emperors if you’re bored on a given Sunday evening.
Thank you for reading this definitely satirical article. It was written as a companion piece for the latest episode of the podcast I do with Jill Kingston, called the Random Questions Podcast. You can listen to the episode on Spotify here, Apple Podcasts here, and links for other platforms can be found here.
If you want to support us on Patreon for early access to podcasts, you can find it over on patreon.com/journalistrob.
